So I’ve gotten a few funny emails lately asking me if there really is such a thing as sciurophobia or if I made it up. Hello? Are Lucy McGuffin and I the only ones who are afraid of squirrels? I think not, my friends. Sciurophobia affects over 250,000 Americans (don’t ever say I never tell you anything important).

Most people think squirrels are cute and cuddly, but those of us who aren’t walking around with blinders on know them for what they really are–rats with furry tails waiting to steal your McDonald’s plain (no ketchup, no mustard) hamburger. Let me explain.

When I was 4 (yes, this is a long time ago) my mom took my sister and I out grocery shopping and afterward, as a special treat, she took us to McDonald’s.

Back then my parents didn’t have much money, and my mom has always been very pragmatic, so this was an unexpected treat. I was a crappy little kid who hated any condiments so my poor mom had to wait extra long for a special order burger.

We got our food and since it was a nice day, we ate outside in the picnic section. I had just taken one tiny bite of my hamburger and laid it on the table, when…yes, you guessed it. A squirrel swooped down from the trees and STOLE. IT. Right under my 4-year-old nose.

No matter how much I cried, my mom refused to go back inside and get me another hamburger. Not that I blame her.

So, yeah… squirrels and me… nope!

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